9-4-04


Production of Alt-Ctrl-Dimension The Movie ends tragically

 What started out as a very promising movie from Dreamworks pictures has ended up a catastrophe. With fourteen crewmembers dead, the movie has been cancelled, never to be finished in its current form.
The filming process was rocky from the start. Director Sam Raimi found out right away that having Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (who played characters Ben and Tammy) involved on the same set was a huge mistake. The former lovers fought continuously right up to the scene where Ben and Tammy were supposed to kiss. The actors refused to film this, forcing the special effects crew to make them appear to be kissing with CGI graphic effects.
Ben Stiller, who played the heroic monkey Sven, kept hurling his own feces all over crew members. When told this wasn't necessary for his part, Stiller replied that he knew and continued to do it anyway.
All of this was a minimal irritation compared to the ordeal with Milla Jovovich, who played the part of Yvonne the psychotic shape-shifting alien. Cast for ability to appear evil, Milla far exceeded what was required for her character by being evil off camera as well. It started with the destruction of props and cameras, but soon Milla was attacking crewmen and cast members, vowing to make them suffer. Eight set workers were killed when Milla destroyed the supports holding up the lighting system. Three more died by her own hands as she leaped into a psychotic rage. Two cue-card holders died as they slipped on Ben Stiller's feces while running. Milla hunted down Charlie Sheen (who played Hawk) and killed him in his own dressing room, then left the set to destroy an entire wing of an elementary school. Charlie Sheen will be dearly missed.
This is widely considered the largest film disaster since Howard the Duck. When asked if he would ever consider picking up the project, Sam Raimi squealed like a little girl and wet his pants. Apparently most who worked on the movie are living in fear right now because Milla Jovovich still hasn't been captured.

If any readers know anything about the whereabouts of Milla Jovovich, please report it to authorities immediately.


6-8-03


Alt-Ctrl-Dimension The Movie in production

 Dreamworks pictures recently signed a deal to produce Alt-Ctrl-Dimension The Movie. The plot will closely follow the plot of the comic as two ignorant but determined boys stumble through the wildest dimensions.
Casting has already begun, with most of the roles filled. This is what they have so far:
Milla Jovovich as Yvonne
The main goal in filling this role was to find somebody who could look attractive but evil. Milla filled this role perfectly because she actually is evil.
Charlie Sheen as Hawk
Sheen had the sort of dryness that Hawk is known for. Acting aside, his looks were a pretty close matchup. We're wondering how they can help him achieve Hawk's hair.
Tom Cruise as Ben
Cruise's ability to be over-the-top sometimes and subdued at others gives him just what it takes to be Ben. He'll need some martial arts training going into this role.
Nicole Kidman as Tammy
She's got the image for Tammy, but it'll take some good acting to make Nicole Kidman be pure, sweet, and innocent like her role requires.
Ben Stiller as Sven
Stiller was a shoe-in for the part of Sven. Many people actually can't tell the two apart when they're shown side by side.

Still up for grabs is the part of Spazzmodius, the insane bomb maniac. It's rumored that both Tony Randall and Robin Williams have expressed interest. We'll keep you updated on further news and a release date.


04-13-2003


Mr. Rogers Passes Away

 Beloved children's television-show host Mr. Fred Rogers passed away this week, leaving a void in the hearts of all PBS viewers. His program, "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" was a longstanding favorite among old and young alike. The official record states that the kindly man died of cancer... or at least that's what some would have you think.
Another more disturbing report states otherwise.
There is evidence in Rogers' home that suggests a fierce struggle. Though Rogers' body was found in a peaceful position near his trollie, the footprints of a muppet were found around the apartment, as well as a broken fish aquarium and smashed-up picture frame.
What's this evidence pointing to? Mr. Rogers didn't die naturally, but at the hands of a diabolical muppet gone mad. All fingers point toward Bert, Sesame Street's outcast muppet. Burt has been disgruntled and volatile since a drug-trafficking sceme got him permanently banned from the show. With Ernie filing a restraining order against him, he's been in and out of jail over the past few years. It is still unknown what his motives would be for harming Mr. Rogers.
Whatever the case, Burt is on the loose and should be considered armed and dangerous. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Bert, please phone the authorities immediately.


06-11-2002


XBox is Hurting, Microsoft Seeks Cheap Solutions

 Following drooping sales in North America and pitiful sales in Japan and Europe, Microsoft's XBox is falling behind its competitors the Playstation 2 and Nintendo's Gamecube. Though it may be the most powerful game console on the market, it also has the highest price tag on the market. So Microsoft is searching for ways to cheapen the production cost of its gaming machine.
After a deep search, the solution is here. Microsoft is moving production of the XBox to Mexico, where it will be produced for mere pesos by overworked Mexican children. These children have also overseen some changes with the system. The XBox is no longer surrounded by a sleek black casing, but is now coated with corn tortillas. There's a new kind of tray on top that not only houses DVD game discs, but is the ideal place to put your guacamole.
The best part of the changes is the new look for the controllers. The XBox's old controllers were undoubtedly the most uncomfortable of the three next generation consoles, but the new Mexican-produced controllers are rectangular and contain beef and beans.
This new version of the lagging console will also have a new name, being called the MexBox. It will retail in stores for as little as $27 this November.


03-24-2002


ARE YOU THE INCREDIBLE HULK?

 He has been rampaging about the city causing substantial damage. A furious rage empowers this green beast. And yet, with as many sightings as there have been, officials still haven't been able to identify him. And in his terrible fury, HE may not even know who he is... which begs the question: Could you be the Incredibly Hulk?
You should find out. Here is a checklist of signs that you may be the Incredible Hulk:

You may be the Incredible Hulk if:
- You buy new clothes regularly because old ones have been ripped
- Your friends tell you that you use poor english with few or no pronouns
- You are green
- You have ever said "Now you make Hulk angry!"
- Your temper causes you to tear off your shirt and fight villains
- You have seen your picture in Marvel Comics

If you answered "yes" to four or more of these, then there is a chance you could be the Incredible Hulk. You should call the Hulk Hotline (1-900-I-AM-HULK, 99 cents per minute) for a more professional diagnosis. Operators will be standing by to help you.


03-10-2002


New Game System Hits the Market

(See included advertisement)
The company that practically started the video game craze jumps back into the arena after years of silence. Atari corporation revealed its first new system since the Jaguar graced stores about a decade ago. "We took a hard hit when the Jaguar failed," says CEO Pauly Shore. "So we went back to something we knew we could do, something that had been more successfull.
That just happened to be a machine that looked remarkably like 1980's Atari 7800. "No, it's not the same system you saw twenty-two years ago," Shore insists, "This new, state-of-the-art system is designed to compete with other high-end video-game systems. Our research team has pooled its efforts to create a new connector cord that will hook up to today's modern television sets. Soon gamers everywhere will be enjoying crisp, intense 4-bit graphics and 2-bit sound."
Sounds promising, Shore. The new Super Atari will be appearing in stores this May with the same price tag the Atari 7800 debuted with in the eighties: $250.


02-04-2002


Boise State University in Financial Trouble

Boise State has declared an emergency state of financial trouble recently. This following what seemed to be a high number of attending students for several years. But what has cause this recent financial trouble for the university? Fingers are pointing at President Charles Ruch (viewable in this BSU advertisement). He authorized the purchasing of a new BSU logo that cost $85,000 just to design. To add to the trouble, he still seems loyal to some extremist philosophies.
"My students should get a slanted, half-baked education at a high price," the president relayed to us. "And to prevent them from getting fat off the nutritionally malfunct food we feed them, they must park as far away from their intended classroom as humanly possible... and that's after buying our parking permits."
Thousands of students are hoping Ruch's theory holds up. If BSU were to shut down, none of them would get into other colleges with BSU permanently staining their transcripts.



01-08-2002


Mr. Rogers Plans World Domination

Long noted as the creator of one of the world's greatest children's programs, our friendly neighbor Fred Rogers appears to have spawned plans to rule the world with an iron fist. His recent retirement from the beloved television show "Mr. Rogers' Neighbor" has freed up time for him to gather armies of makeshift muppets, PBS actors, and a ragtag band of neighborhood friends. Mr. McPhealy has been dogged by the reputation of "drug dealer" ever since one of his "Speedy Deliveries" landed him in jail during a sting operation. Having served his time, he joined Fred's posse along with his NRA-approved Winchester shotgun.
"The earth will soon tremble under the power of my mighty fist," Mr. Rogers said with his warm smile as he tied his shoes and donned his sweater. "All who oppose me will be obliterated!"
Will Fred's isane world of make-believe become a reality? Are we looking at the entire world's future dictator? Only time will tell.



12-24-2001


Loch Ness Monster is Canadian!
Long thought to be native to Scotland, new theories have arisen as to the origin of the legendary Loch Ness Monster. While scientist have argued that it came from the late Cretacious, a closer look at the best photographic evidence available leads many to believe that the monster may in fact be from Canada. On closer inspection a hockey stick can be seen, as well as what many believe to be a mug full of Canadian Beer. While this doesn't exactly finalize the decision, many Canadian citizens are ready to grant the mythical monster national citizenship.

Many of the Scottish, on the other hand, are upset by the new findings as it destroys treasured local folklore. Others, however, welcome the discovery and even consider freezing Loch Ness over to stage hockey games as a tribute to the monster's newfound nationality.


11-26-2001


Nintendo Launches Gamecube
The videogame systems war continues. Playstation, with its already released and supported PS2 is holding strong. But fans of video games are eager to see what will happen this Christmas season. Microsoft's X-box was just released, bringing along a small but growing selection of games. Its battle against Sony will be a bit rocky, but will now be complicated by further competition, the Nintendo Gamecube, which launched this week. Nintendo had a bit of trouble with the Nintendo 64, but is confident with its new system.

The folks at Nintendo headquarters threw a party on the 18th to celebrate the launch of Gamecube. Shown above is Pincess Zelda enjoying the festivities. Apparently her royal highness got plastered that night.